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It is often difficult to express and meet our emotional needs. When a need is not met we will react, often not knowing why. It is because a basic need, which we may not even recognize, has not been met. We each have a highest emotional need that if this is not met, we will adopt behaviours to ensure this need is met. We can surprise ourselves with our behaviour, we can either get this need met by negative and disruptive ways or we can identify the need and adopt more constructive and healthy ways of interaction. We do not know what we do not know, often until after an emotional event has taken place.
It will be our emotional reaction that will be our guide. For example, a friend recently placed a comment on Facebook that caused me to feel very insignificant and disappointed in their comments. This event related to activities way in the past that had not been resolved. My acute reaction was my guide to say I have over reacted in this situation, why am I doing this. Often our first response is to blame the other person for their lack of sensitivity, and simply react but they do not know this was an emotional need in you, until you can identify it and know what will satisfy this emotional need in turn.
If you think of your most recent argument, you might just focus on who said what and what happened, but if you can reflect on the event you might start to think what emotional need was not being met. In a quiet moment, it can also be the subject of reflection with your partner, to try and understand what emotional need was presenting.
We all have six emotional needs that will impact us in different situations and there will be one that is absolutely vital and we will always react strongly if the emotional need is not met.
The first basic need is certainty, where we need to know what is going to happen, if this is not clear you may find you can start to become agitated and keep asking questions that totally annoy your partner. They just want you to trust their judgment because they may have planned a surprise. Others may just need to understand the likely reliability of what is going to happen, we want no surprises and know ahead of time what to expect. This is a foundational need, unless you prefer the second emotional need of excitement and stimulus where you love uncertainty and thrive on not knowing what is going to happen. A person will say surprise me, as they are often the organiser in the relationship and love the fact that you have planned a special surprise for them. You may find at the extreme end of this need, that you are moved to rage just to keep your need for excitement alive. This is a negative expression of your need for love and excitement.
The third emotional need is to feel significant, that what you think and know is considered in an issue and you feel special when your partner consults with you. You get anxious if your partner makes choices you have not had an input into, or you do not feel included in comments or events. If you find yourself reacting in this way you know your need for significance has not been met. We often engage in disruptive comments or sarcasm so we can still meet our need of significance even though it is a negative and disengaging comment it is better to make than not getting any attention at all. Another strategy we use for significance is to constantly give advice as to how a process should be undertaken, which can be incredibly annoying to the other who thinks their partner is saying “do you think I am stupid and that I do not know.”
Our fourth basic emotional need is for connection, where you feel so satisfied in the company of your loved one. You feel protected or that you can protect your loved one because they are present. You often do not need to talk but you just need to know they are close. For a person who is wanting excitement and novelty this can seem very constraining as they are not getting their basic emotional need met. If the person is not engaging in conversation which might be an important stimulus to meet their need, they might not realise the person just wants to know you are there. This can be interpreted as possessiveness and controlling your movements. It feels like they are not respecting your needs for socialisation and of being out and about. If you have a similar emotional need then you can feel very comfortable just being in the same place even though you are not actually engaging with each other.
Our fifth need which often does not present until the first four emotional needs are met in our relationship is growth. If this is your need, you are constantly wanting to self -improve and to improve all the members of your family, you are looking for stimulus of the mind and really value others opinions as to what you should do and how you should approach an issue. If this is not your highest need then you can become restrictive of the other wanting to undertake development activities, they can feel threatened by you and you become negative about any new initiative the other person wants to engage in.
The sixth emotional need is contribution where a person feels of value if they are making a difference in another person’s life. They like to share information and support another when they are feeling frail or doing something in the community that is making a difference. This can be highly threatening in a relationship to a partner who has a need say for connection, where they want their partner at their side and see that their community activities are constantly impacting their relationship. Yet when a person has this as their highest need, they feel fulfilled and satisfied that their life counts, when they are contributing.
It is the mismatch of emotional needs in a situation that often leads to an argument. You will find that if one of these emotional needs is important to you, it will resonate with you. Reflect when you express yourself in a positive or negative way what emotional need was present in the situation and how best to get your needs met. If you have had a disagreement, what emotional need was not being met? If you can identify which need is important in the situation, you can look at discussing how this need can be met, in a way that accommodates your partner’s highest need as well.
If you are not sure what those needs are, we can identify what is your highest emotional need if you know your Social Brain Mode. Then you can know best how to ensure you can ask for this need to be met, using words that are meaningful to your partner. You can request the free e-book to know more about your social brain and/or join our free webinar to explore your relationships further.
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Happy reflections!
Dr. Arini.