From time to time Dr. Arini Verwer will write a blog to keep you informed about the latest views on how to interpret your own behaviour and that of other people you are in contact with; being it your partner, your children, your colleagues, your boss, or just your friends or other family members.
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Blog 4:  4 October 2018




 

Do your often wonder why with some people and some situations you feel very free to be whom you really are and in others you simply shut down? It is based on how emotionally safe you are feeling in the situation. Respectful engagement is about creating emotional safety in a relationship. In this blog we look at the basis of creating emotional safety. In our second blog we spoke about how fear can sabotage our relationships. Because we have a particular fear predominantly, we often do not recognize it acts as a filter to how we perceive and interact with the world around us. We believe everyone sees the same situations in exactly the same way we do and we are amazed that when it was so clear to you, how could they have they perceived it so differently. Remember your perceptions are your reality!

To make the process of perception more complicated we interpret the facial expressions, tone of voice, eye movements and posture through our own Social Brain Mode lens. If you use a lot of facial expressions and show a lot of emotion on your face and the other person just seems to stare at you and show no reaction, you immediately interpret their behaviour as not being interested in what you have to say. You might be in the middle of describing how you feel about an issue and your partner interrupts with a comment about something they have seen in the environment and you think they are certainly not listening to what you have to say, so you stop talking and feel miserable that they are not interested in what you are feeling or experiencing. So we develop stories and meaning about how the other person is reacting. However, our assumption may not be what their intent or motive was it in the situation.

I was working with a blended family of four children, so they would better understand how to relate to each other and learn about each other’s reactions. I asked one of the sisters “how did she feel when she was telling a story of what had happened that day to her sister and her sister just looked down and did not show any reaction.” She said “I just give up talking to her because she clearly is not interested in what I have to say.” I asked the sister “is that what is happening for you?” She said “no, but I need to look down to hear her and work out what I need to do to help her in the situation. I am very interested in what she has to say but she just seems to dismiss me.” Has this ever happened to you, a total misinterpretation of what you were saying and nothing seems to resolve the misunderstanding in the communication process?

This happens because each Social Brain Mode’s brain processes information so differently and how we are processing shows on our faces and in our non-verbal reactions. In the story given previously, the first sister was an Orange Social Brain Mode and needed to have direct eye contact and to see the person is showing an interest in her story by showing expressive and interactive facial expressions, as she is a Relational/Action mode. Her sister on the other hand is the opposite she is a Red Social Brain Mode of Action/Relational. When she processes information she needs to look down, so she is not distracted by the emotional expressions on the face and can access that part of her brain that processes listening to facts and data and works out what she needs to do about the situation. She works through her limbic brain, which is how an animal, picks up on what you are feeling, as they use a highly developed limbic brain to attune or resonate to what you are feeling. Just like a tuning fork, attunes to the note of say “C” So a person who responds from their limbic brain does not show what they might be picking up on their face, they will just do an action they think is being responsive to the other person’s needs.

Both have interpreted each other’s reactions as disrespectful as they did not respond in the way their brain has been wired to perceive what they considered respectful. It is so disconcerting because each person feels they are being respectful to the other. This is just one story of the disconnect that happens every day in our reactions to others in our relationships.

So what is really happening here? Each Social Brain Mode has a set of verbal and non-verbal patterns of expression, which you can learn about so you can discover the difference between each of the 6 Social Brain Modes. When you ask each Social Brain Mode to describe what they expect in actions that could be interpreted as respectful actions, regarding other people’s tone of voice, eye movements, posture and hand movements, they all describe very different expectations from each other. Hence, why it is so challenging to master the communication process, however when you understand this tool of perception, of your Social Brain Mode, we can develop the knowledge and skills to connect to everyone.

You might find it very interesting to have that conversation with a close friend or partner and hear what they consider as respectful engagement. The research has identified that Respectful Engagement is the foundation to all moral or ethical relationships. Whilst the words are important they are not as important as the tonality and non-verbal expressions we interpret through our own lens of respectful engagement and assume the other person is looking through the same lens as ourselves.

A simple solution is to check your assumptions when you see facial expressions and gestures that are clearly disengaging from the conversation. However, we need to overcome our basic fears we have discussed, and then we can scenario build what their reaction is going to be and reinterpret. Here it is useful to use the theme from Niki “Just Do It”. However, it takes practice and often you need to practice conversations in your head or write down phrases you can use when you find yourself in a stressful situation. It takes repetition to learn new strategies. Another strategy is to simply experience a situation and then reflect back afterwards when you are feeling emotionally safe and work out how you could have handled the situation differently. The more you observe and reflect and try new actions, the easier it becomes.

I discovered this notion of respectful engagement, when I was studying my Doctorate but gave life to it when I was doing a workshop on the Social Brain Mode in New Zealand. The first day I had 60 attendees who wanted to understand their own Social Brain Mode and the next day I had the original 60 plus another 30, so I did not want to bore the participant so I sent the original 60 outside to come back with what respectful engagement looked like and as I was writing their descriptions on the board I realised they were describing themselves, in six totally different ways. Amazingly when I repeated this exercise each Social Brain Mode, gave almost identical responses and I realize this is such a basic key to the communication process, to respectfully engage with each other. I have been engaged with this work now for 15 years and I am still amazed at how similar the results are.

There is much detail about what respectful engagement looks like, in our Social Brain Mode E-book, which I am sure you will be fascinated to understand about yourself and significant others in your life. Misunderstandings around respectful engagement, is the root cause of many dysfunctional relationships and communications breakdowns. I cannot stress enough how important this understanding of respectful engagement is and what a difference it makes when you can reframe your understanding of what is happening in the situation. For example, when a person looks away from me I had to rewire my reaction to assuming the person is not interested in what I have to say; to they need to process what I am saying by looking down, or need to acknowledge the new person who has come into the room. This person would consider it rude not to make eye contact and smile at them to acknowledge their presence, where as I would consider it rude to look away as I would think they would think I am disinterested in what they have to say.  The first person is an Orange and needs to connect to others whereas I am a Purple and respect is one of my highest values. We then interpret what these values look like in our day to day behaviour and then make assumptions about the meaning of the behaviour. Why not simply check your hidden assumptions by noting your irritations about the other person’s behaviour and be so present as to have a conversation about your reactions.

Happy reading and reflections.

Dr. Arini.

 

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